Shear Genius: Wonder Twin powers...ACTIVATE!

Let's wrap this shit up, shall we?

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Shear Genius: Congratulations!

WHAT THE?

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Shear Genius S3E9: Attention Whores Don't Like to Have Their Picture Taken

Obvious reality show is obvious.

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Shear Genius S3E8: No Weird Chicks on the Prom Committee

Hair drama, bitches! HAIR DRAMA!

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Shear Genius S3E7: The Whitest Bunch of Bitches You Ever Saw

Forget about the carpet. The drapes don't even match each other.

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Shear Genius S3E6: Totally Radical

Baby, you're a star!

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Shear Genius S3E5

Kittens, what a boogie-woogie mess this episode was!

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Shear Genius S3E4: Hearts and Flowers

That is one pissed off woodland fairy.

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Shear Genius S3E3 P2: I Can't Believe it's Not Fabio

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Shear Genius S3E3 P1: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

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Shear Genius S3E2

More catching up to do!

"HaLLo, sTYLists, ToODAyy, I eM tReSSed lIke A hOOOOker tOO InsPIYER yOO!"

Fashion Week is kicking our asses, bitter kittens, but that doesn't mean we can't make time to rip some hair. In fact, darlings, one should always take time every day, no matter how busy one might be, to do two things: a good 15-minute skin regimen, and judging others' hair and clothing.

But first,

Oh, Giacomo-feeno-ahnahnay, how could you leave us so soon? We had such high hopes for your entertainment value. You could have had blog immortality. Instead, you flaked out like...well, like the flake you are.

Anyway, the rest of the attention whores stayed behind for a food-based challenge. Bravo missed out on a little Top Chef cross promotion there. They could have had a followup challenge where the chefs had to make a dish out of hair.


Anyway, Congrats, Sling Blade.

Like we said, it was a pretty silly challenge. We have no real opinion on who shouldabin winner or loser. This 'do was based on a dish of seared scallops.

*shrug*

Okay. If you say so. It's pretty enough.

And it's sayonara, Arzo, whose name sounded a bit like a petroleum company to us.

Tuna Tataki. It's about as much "Tuna Tataki" as Sling Blade's was "Seared Scallops," but honestly, we can't get worked up over the decision. Not because we were bored or anything, but the judging criteria for this kind of thing is even more arbitrary than it normally is, so if the judges hated this look, so be it. They're the experts. Jonathan said it looked old lady. Certainly, there's nothing fabulous about it, and as Kim pointed out, she failed to color the underside of her hair, which sounds like a pretty egregious mistake. Seems like good enough reason to send Arzo home.

Besides, she hasn't entertained us. Off with her head.


All right bitches, we've got a lot more hair to rip, so let's just whip this out. Ready? SCROLL!

Adee
Steak Tartar

She looks traumatized. It looks like he took a hand mixer to her head and besides, no one wants hair the color of raw meat.

Amy
Dakota Burger

Hello, Tits! Looks more Statue of Liberty than hamburger. Kim said he was hoping she'd gone with Princess Leia buns. What Kim failed to mention is the 100% likelihood that he would have criticized her for going the cliche route if she'd done that.

April
Heirloom Tomato Salad
This wigstand went straight home that night and fired her agent. Then she set his house on fire.

Brian
Chocolate Mousse

Y'know, the judges were all moist for this one and we can't say we agree. Kim thought it looked "creamy" and Camila kept saying it looked "yommy," but all we could think was "You're gonna criticize Exxon's hair for being too 'old lady' and you're all creaming over Martha Washington here?"

Brig
Tiramisu
She's a big fucking whackadoo and she made a big fucking whackadoo hairstyle. Alert the media.

Faatemah
Orange Flan Trio

This wigstand clearly had to be drugged to have her photo taken. No sober person would smile like that when her hair looked like that.

Oh, and we love a good trash-talking reality show bitch, but only when they've got the goods to back it up. Faatemah's been putting down pretty much everyone while turning out some fairly mediocre looks.

Janine
Beet Salad

It's got a little bit of "Toni Basil circa 1986" vibe to it that we can't help but love a little. Doesn't do a thing to make us think of beet salad, though.

Matthew
Yellowtail Namachi

Now see, THAT's the correct facial expression to have when you're forced to model a fucked-up hairstyle that makes you look like a cross between Marie Antoinette and a blowfish. Obviously, this wigstand is a professional and didn't require narcotics to do the job she was hired to do.

She also burned down her agent's house that night. In fact, she met up with the other wigstand because they have the same agent.

[Photos: BravoTV.com]


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Shear Genius S3E1

Bitches, we've got a lot crazy-ass hair to rip!

Okay, we've beaten the odds and made it back from a South Philly supermarket mere hours before the SNOWPOCALYPSE hits us. We've managed to stock our cupboard without getting our asses kicked by crazed South Philly bitches on a panicked snow run and that is a feat worth celebrating.

Let's kick off our boots, make ourselves a hot chocolate, and make fun of attention whores on TV, shall we?

We suppose we're not going to get away with ignoring the big Brazilian elephant in the room, are we? Camila was AWFUL. Easily the worst model-turned-reality hostess of all time. Producers, stop giving her ten-minute blocks of text to read! How could you not notice her deficiencies in that area after the first, oh, thirty seconds or so? Make her stand there, smile, and point to her hair a lot. Have someone else explain the challenges.

Look at them. They're practically sounding out the words FOR her. They've probably been standing there for hours listening to her trip over the same ten words over and over again.

And he was exactly as douchnozzle-tastic as we'd remembered. Strangely, he seems to have had as much trouble reading lines as Camila did.

At least we still had good old Kim Vo, who --

GAAAH!!

JESUS.

That is one non-biodegradable face.

We'll get to the shortcut challenge (which was a lot more fun) in another post, for now, let's rip bikini hair. This was a pretty decent challenge, except we think a lot of the stylists went off in not-so-hot directions.

He really commands the screen, doesn't he? A real once-in-a-generation type of star.

April says, "Let's rock. I rebelled against it all. It's just me and my shears."

Uh, okay. There's anarchy, and then way over on the other side of the scale, there's hairdressing. Let's not self-inflate here.

Oh, who are we kidding? They're attention whores!

It was all right. A bit too vertical, but it did the job.

Adee says, "I gave David one of his most famous hair styles."

And believe it or not, that didn't even come close to the most eyeroll-inducing of his comments.
And for all that chest-puffing, he really didn't do much to impress, did he? He made her look like a circus freak.


Jon says, "I'm a large pill to be swallowed."

T Lo says, "Try us."
Cute. Editorial. The blue really takes it away from being too boring.

Let's face it, there's only so much you can do to cover the nips without lapsing into weirdness.


Faatemah: "I'm not afraid of any of these people in the competition."

Girl, you did a TRUCKLOAD of smack-talking when you should have been putting the work in, because you? Did not impress.

SHE'S GOT A GIANT BRAIDED NIPPLE. COME ON NOW.

Strangely, the rest of the hair really works. That braid is interesting.


Burning Man Brian sez: "I look beyond the pages of Vogue magazine. I look towards indigenous cultures."

Oh, save us.
What indigenous culture is this again? The Hanna-Barbera Tribe? Cause that is some cartoon-ass hair there, Radical Faerie.


Olivia Newton John says, "Even though I'm the youngest in the competition, I'm going to kick their asses out of here."

She kind of won us over in the shortcut challenge, not least because she seems to have her head on straight, which is a rarity with this group of egos.

But man, is that a bad idea.

We just don't get these entries where the stylists effectively tried to make bikini tops out of hair pieces. First off, it's a little gross-looking. Second, you're not styling hair at that point, you're making a garment out of hair.

Janine: "I'm here to get the job done. I'm here to win."

Boilerplate reality contestant statement. At least she jazzed it up with tap pants and an '80s secretarial blouse.

This was a pretty much perfect runway look. You could see an entire show of girls with hair styled like this. She did a really good job.


Arzo: "I think hairdressing is definitely in my blood."

They're like Jedi that way.
Boring. The top is basic. Couldn't she do something a little interesting with the ends?

Matthew says, "You can basically Google me and figure out that way."

Okay, seriously. If someone said this in our presence, we'd spend a few minutes gagging loudly just to make sure everyone in the room was paying attention, and then we'd throw up on his shoes.

Although we'll give him credit here. That was at least a unique shape and he managed it without doing anything weird.


Giacomo says, "Oh God, I've had a really great life. I worked all over the world with every celebrity in the world, with every supermodel in the world, with every wealthy queen, king...I'm telling you, God gave me a gift and I just do it."

T Lo says, "Oh God, we're going to make fun of you so much."

And which member of royalty taught you that little 'do? We're guessing it's a queen who has "of country music," or "of the Cornshucking Festival" after her title.

Not to be mean (too late) but they're kidding us when they tried to pass these girls off as bikini models, right?


Joey: "I've always wanted my work to sort of be loud and stand out."

Who saw the big X floating over Crocodile Joey's head throughout the whole episode? He had "first one gone" in bright neon letters flashing every time he appeared.And speaking of bright neon letters, here they are spelling out "BREAST DEFORMITY" in a searing orange.

Tweety Bird says: "We just got a Mall three years ago. We have horses."

And we're guessing not a lot in the way of community mental health services.


Biggest attention whore we've ever set eyes on. And come on, you KNOW we've set eyes on a lot. But we've been racking or brains, and we just can't name one who resorted to roller-skating in a gold bikini in order to get camera time. Santino? Thank you.
It's creative, for sure. We can tell she's working a schtick wherein her affected craziness is a way of contrasting her skill, which is considerable. But this is another instance of someone not so much styling hair as making clothes out of hair. It's a creative and well-made solution, but we just don't love it aesthetically.

So, the top three are a female version of The Village People, for some reason.

And Secretary Village Person wins it.

And the bottom three are the loudmouth, Olivia Newton John, and Croc-Hunter.

And the surfer dude goes home, surprising absolutely none of the hundreds of thousands of people watching.

More hair-ripping to come, bitches.

[Photos: BravoTV.com - Screencaps: Projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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