We realize the very nature of this show requires the total watering down of the term "supermodel," but really, people? Michael Bergin, supermodel?
And was she drunk the entire episode or was it just us? With every slow torturous sentence, we expected her to punctuate it by just passing out, face forward on the floor. The tension was so high, we actually felt a little let down when we reached the end of the episode and the promised blackout never came.
Good morning, models! Your assignment? POSE FOR PICTURES.
Oh dear, they're already running out of interesting challenges. On the other hand, the results were so unbelievably, perfume-ad-in-the-'70s, cheesetastically bad, we can't deny the entertainment value of it all.
Salome
Mountaha
Oh, please.
Laury
Sandhurst
What is that? What is he doing? That's like a JC Penney catalogue pose.
Kerryn
Enjoli. By Revlon.
Jordan
Colin
Will someone please help this boy out and give him a blowjob?
Gabriel
What is this, a George Michael video?
CJ
She looks like she's about to yawn. So do we.
Shawn
For all his ridiculous and embarassing screaming, he sure managed to purge any intensity out of himself and offer the blandest, '80s-album-cover shot you could imagine.
Once again, there were 2 clear leaders here and once again, one of them got overlooked:
Jonathan
Branden
We can definitely see why Branden won out over Jonathan. His pose is more editorial. It already looks like an ad campaign. Jonathan's, even though it's a gorgeous shot, is a generic model pose. Still, it was MILES better than this:
Amanda
Seriously? That is the lamest pose of them all. If two of the guys offer results that are clearly much better than the rest of the pack, why not give the win to both of them? Why does it have to be a guy and a girl?
It seems pretty clear to us at this point that they pick the go-see winners based on what go-sees they can already line up ahead of time.
"These things are fucking HEAVY. Someone take them before I pass out."
Still, it was a pretty awesome go-see, getting to audition to walk in Montreal Fashion week.
Although, come on. Did anyone doubt the outcome?
"Hi, I want you to walk in my show so it'll get on TV."
"Hi, I want you to walk in my show so it'll get on TV."
Colin honey, you need to be practicing that walk in front of a mirror every waking moment because you are just not there yet.
And you're just not there yet, either.
Meanwhile, for far more base reasons...
What? Like we weren't going to post that? Bravo once again tips its chapeau to its audience.
The boys did okay; Branden better than Colin. The clothes were mostly awful.
The girls did much better. Mountaha in particular has a very strong walk. In Brazil, they take the little girls from diapers to 4-inch heels to train them to walk. It's true. We read it on the internet.
"Dudes, I'm WASTED."
This whole challenge was plain stupid.
There are designers that will direct the models to walk more theatrically, but generally, they don't make them walk around like a bunch of crazy people. The models needed way more direction than "Walk weird," and in the real world, they'd get it.
It's not even worth running down each pose. Here. You do it:
Sandhurst, CJ
Colin, Kerryn, Shawn
Amanda, Jonathan, Salome
Branden, Mountaha, Gabriel
Jordan, Laury
Although we will single out two:
This is definitely an instance where the judges made the right choice. Shawn was floundering through the whole competition and his "I want to be a MODEL! RAAAHHHH!" thing was getting a little old.
Even though this was probably the worst of the lot, she's had too many wins for the judges to toss her out. As we said last week, at this stage, they're just weeding out the ones that obviously aren't supposed to be there.
And even though sometimes we think the judges are way overdoing the asshole bit, we have to salute Maggie's "There is no crying in modeling." EXACTLY.
Perou still looks like a jackass though.
Jonathan's win was a consolation prize. His walk wasn't noticeably better than anyone else's really. Still, he's earned it many times over.
And it was cute to see Branden happy for Jonathan. They're going to try and market this as another bromance, for sure.
Aw, we're being mean. Who are we to poke fun at sissy queens who can turn out a dance routine in 4-inch pumps and a pair of acid-washed petal-pushers?
Besides, any show that not only features drag queens with a sissy choreographer, but also features the world's only (as far as we know) gay white rapper, is a show that we are going to sorely miss now that the season is wrapped.
And by the way, if you haven't seen the video for Cazwell's "I seen Beyonce,"
then you really should.
Although we did kinda want to slap him for using "pronunciate" as a word.
Meanwhile, Ru strapped on her best wig to get a little Tyra with the girls. We thought the tic-tac lunch was a little cute even if it is something of a reality show cliche to have these "getting to know you" bits with the contestants. At least they had the good humor to just plop them down in the middle of a soundstage rather than pretend they were actually having lunch somewhere.
It's the Zip Up Your FlyGirls!
How fabulous was that? We questioned why a drag competition would include rapping but shooting a music video - especially Ru's music video - was a perfect final challenge.
And it gave us a chance to look at THIS again. Mm-mmm-mm.
Nina looked amazing, but then again, that's nothing new. And who knew the bitch could dance so well?
Not that Bebe didn't also look fab,
but she's gotta tone down the crazy every now and then. It looks a little scary.
And where was Rebecca of Shadybrook Farms during all this?
Being a PITA once again, of course.
We can't help thinking that she does stuff like this on purpose when she's intimidated by a challenge (like with the Viva GLAM shoot), but for the life of us, we can't figure out how she thinks this sort of behavior benefits her.
How can you not look at that and think there are two amazingly fabulous queens and once utterly mediocre one?
And speaking of mediocre...
...that's simply not a word in RuPaul's vocabulary.
Runway time!
It's not that we don't think Nina brought it for the finale, but we tend to think she should have foregone her normal pantsuits and put on an actual gown for the final act. Don't get us wrong, the outfit is gorgeous (and we love the train attached to the pants), but once Bebe walked out, it was all over.
Ugh. What a waste of time. And that sexdoll thing she does with her mouth is so old.
We gasped when Bebe walked out. That gown is absolutely stunning.
Show of hands. How many of you laughed out loud when Rebecca's smile quickly turned to this look when she found out she was out? Or was that just us?
God knows, these bitches were happy to hear it.
We're not ashamed to admit that after blogging 5 seasons of PR and 2 each of Top Design and Shear Genius, this was the very first time we actually choked up a little when the winner was announced. Nina was unbelievably gracious about the whole thing, singlehandedly putting to rest the stereotype that all drag queens are shade-throwing divas. Nina Loca, you are a class act all the way.
Wonder Woman is insanely jealous of that tiara.
Bebe darling, you are FABULOUS! Congratulations!
But wait! There's more! Not only did they give us the most emotional reality competition win we've ever seen, they also gave us the BITCHIEST reunion show we've ever seen. DEE-LICIOUS.
To be honest, we were glad that the Rebecca drama was (mostly) resolved fairly easily. Yeah, she got on our nerves and we didn't think she deserved to be in the final 3 either, but we were tired of the whole thing at this point.
If anyone came off looking bad here, it wasn't Rebecca, it was Shannel.
And to a lesser extent, Tammie, who really brought the crazy. And what the hell was up with that headband? Did she ruin her eyebrows or something?
Ongina was sweet and of course her story was both heartbreaking and inspirational at the same time. Instead of raising a glass to her, we want to salute her mother, who sounds like she's fucking fabulous.
Now, when we interviewed Ru a couple weeks back, she told us that one of the first things a drag queen learns after lipstick 101, is how to let the criticisms of others just roll of your sequinned back.
Apparently, some of these queens skipped class that day. And thank you, Santino for pointing out that paying $550 for those pants was a waste of money. It really says something about Shannel that she thinks she can prove she has taste by pointing out how much she paid for her clothes.
Tammie just needs to go walk some children in nature for a while.
But manohman, Ru fucking LOST IT. Of course it was all for the cameras, but it still made for great television. How often do you ever get to see a veteran drag queen TEAR INTO a bunch of ungrateful bitches who can't take a little criticism? Emmys all around, we say.
And with that, we say goodbye to the greatest show in the history of television. Bitches, we can't WAIT for next season. If we didn't make such ugly women, we'd try out ourselves.
