Ripping the Collections: Joe, Part 2

It's just a dress. Nothing particularly interesting about it except it's rendered in an ugly fabric and topped off with an ugly belt. It couldn't be any more basic.

It's almost-kinda-sorta cute. The tight mini is out of style and we don't love the fabric he used for the top, nor do we like the straps, but it's not bad. Ugh, that belt.

We could probably just save ourselves some time and just cut and paste that after every outfit.

Again, not horrible but not interesting either. Hate the frayed edges and the exposed zipper. And Joe is terrible about accessorizing. That belt pretty much ruins the look.

Hunh?

Where the hell did this come from? Ignoring the fact that it came out of nowhere and has nothing to do with the rest of the collection, it's a blandly basic dress that doesn't look like it fits her very well.

We get what he's trying to do here - a formal take on biker wear - but it doesn't really work. The bustier is actually pretty cute and clever. The skirt just looks like a cheap quilt wrapped around her.

In the end, he didn't really cover himself in glory but he produced some extremely well executed pieces that definitely have a market. We just wish he'd pulled out the stops more and surprised us rather than simply sending his existing portfolio down the runway.

[Photos: Getty Images]


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Ripping the Collections: Joe, Part 1

If you're settling in for a rip-fest on par with Suede's or even Jerell's, you're in for a bit of a surprise. Don't get us wrong; there's plenty here to rip and we'll get to it, but upon examination, we came to the conclusion that Joe's collection wasn't nearly as bad as we thought. It's not exactly good, but it's not as bad as Suede's or Jerell's. Faint praise, to be sure. One thing that can't be denied: these pieces were almost all perfectly executed and retail-ready. The problem is with the style itself. Coyote Ugly just ain't Bryant Park-worthy. Basically, it's a catalogue collection. That catalogue would be Schott Brothers, Joe's employer. All he really did was send down the kind of outfits he's been making for years.

Let's start the show:

Let's get one thing out of the way before we start: absolutely nothing in this collection is to our tastes. Having said that, this isn't bad. It's not a "wow" look but then again, nothing in this collection is. We don't like the pointy tops to the bustier and we think the skirt would have looked better an inch or two shorter, but for what it is, it's not bad.

A well-done look. We like the multiple zippers in the bustier and you can't deny that the jeans are just about perfect.

Two good pieces on top, one horrible piece on the bottom, three pieces that should never have been put together. Love the gold metallic jacket. The bustier's nice but that zipper is crooked. All pieces could be purchased in thousands of mid-range stores nationwide.

Two pieces that might work if they were paired with other pieces. We don't exactly like them, but we can't help thinking the real issue is that they're in one outfit.

By the way, the belts and jewelry? Awful.

That jacket is probably our favorite piece in his collection. The leather pants are all wrong for it. A pair of skinny jeans would have looked great with this.


[Photos: Getty Images - Video: YouTube/Taxiplasm]


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Ripping the Collections: Suede, Part 2

It gets worse in the second half, if you can believe it, kittens.

People keep asking if the decoys had the same amount of time and the same budget that the final 3 had. We can look at this and confidently say "No." Clearly Suede had about 20 minutes and 12 dollars to put this collection together.

Oh fine. You want critique? Here: all of those fabrics are fighting each other, the proportions are horrible and nothing is fitted correctly.

It's executed fairly well in comparison to the rest of the looks. We suppose some would say this is a pretty dress. We think it's a bit too adorable. It seems obvious to say this, but it looks like Barbie clothes. And the bust is terribly fitted.

HOLY.
SHIT.
PART.
TWO.

There are drag queens that would look at that and say "No way." There are 5-year-old girls in princess costumes who would look at that and say "That's a bit much, don't you think?" There are blind people who would look at that and say "My eyes!"

In other words, it's really, really bad.

Oh god, we're tired at this point. What else can we say? You've ruined us, Suede. You've ruined us.

We can point out how distressingly similar these looks are, though. The same "fitted" (haha!) bodice over a full asymmetrical skirt.

Jesus, those are some cheapass-looking fabrics. They look like wrapping paper. Discount wrapping paper.

It's a nice day for a whore wedding.

We never thought Suede was really a contender all season long but even we are completely flummoxed by this collection. It is shockingly bad. There's just no getting around that. We feel kind of sorry for him because he never should have been there and he wound up flaming out pretty spectacularly in front of a lot of spectators. Honestly, there's a part of us that wishes he would have just cheated and farmed the work out to more talented people. No one was going to check on it and at least he wouldn't have embarrassed himself.

[Photos: Getty Images]


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Ripping the Collections: Suede Part 1

Kittens, if you thought we were tough on Jerell, you haven't seen anything yet. This was a runway show so jaw-droppingly bad that as we mingled in the tent afterwards, the word "embarrassment" was heard to be uttered more times than we can count. These were clothes that even Barbie would wave away with a "Honey, please."

And with that, let's start the show:

Please bear in mind that this is supposed to be the opening "wow" piece. A pink housedress with a backwards apron. Except for the straps, there is absolutely nothing of interest going on. The fabrics couldn't be more blah, the dress isn't fitted to her at all, and those bangles look like something we would give our niece for her birthday.

Our niece is five.

HOLY.
SHIT.

He's fucking with us, right? It looks like a centerpiece for a gay baby shower.

The dress is fine. Boring, but fine. Of course, there's that big noticeable seam running right above her cooch but lets pretend we don't see that. Once again, the color is baby-shower pink. There's nothing sophisticated about it at all. But what's the point of that gigantic ruffle? What purpose does it serve from an aesthetic point of view? She looks like a valance fell on her and she got tangled up in it.

From the fourth row, this didn't look that bad but looking at it close up, it's another poorly fitted blah design in another questionable fabric. It just kinda hangs on her.

While this isn't quite a "HOLY SHIT" look, it's still something of a "Really, Suede? REALLY?" You're in Bryant Park; you couldn't maybe step it up a little? The bodice doesn't fit her at all and we hate the construction of that skirt. It looks like pipe cleaners. The only thing this look has going for it is that Nazri's wearing it but even she couldn't make it look fierce.


[Photos: Getty Images - Video: YouTube/Taxiplasm]


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