Three-way Cage Match!!!!

GOD, we love this show.


"Seriously, stop it with the hedge clippers, okay? You're embarrassing the rest of us."


"Oh, looks like someone's a little threatened by my innovation. Sorry Danna, you'll have to come up with your own ingenious method."


"No. Really. I'm trying to help you here. It's embarrassing. Sally and Jaclyn are laughing at you."


"I bet you Sally WISHES she knew how to cut hair with hedge clippers. And Jaclyn is DYING to get the Evangelin Treatment. When I win this thing, I'm heading straight to Home Depot and spending my hundred grand on gardening equipment. Just wait till you see my weed whacker eyebrow treatment!"


"Oh my GOD! Did all those bitches get their periods on the same day?"


"Excuse me, Danna. Let me try.

Hmmm. How can I put this nicely?

You're an idiot and you should just lay down and die right here. In fact, let me help you."


"Dear Mom, why can't all women be as gentle and beautiful as you?"


"Tabs, I feel sorry for you. I will be celebrated the world over and you'll be stuck in New Jersey with your 'scissors' and 'combs' and you'll never know the joys of being a true hair visionary."


"Do you hear yourself? Do you? I mean, it's not just me that thinks you're a barking loon. EVERYBODY does!"


"Hmph. Do I smell hair burning? No wait, that's just your jealousy. Oh well!"


"I swear to Christ, if that little Cabbage Patch Doll isn't sent home tomorrow, she'll be sipping all her meals through a straw for the rest of her life."


"...and the sign will say 'Evangelin's Magic Hair Garden!' And all the Charlie's Angels will be lining up for .... for a PRUNING! And Tabatha will fall down a flight of steps and break her neck and then she will beg for me to take her in and I'll install special sinks so she can wash hair in her wheelchair..."

BONUS: Previews, poodles!

And holy cow, do they have their work cut out for them this week. Check it out here.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

That's it.

Blog over.

There's nothing more to write about. Our world has gone cold and gray.


Oh Evangelin. Our little Italian Tammy Faye. Our Madonna of the Garden Shears. Our under-voweled, over-accessorized Mama of Drama. How can we go on without you? What will we write about?


Will any of the other contestants go batshit crazy like you did last night? Will any of them strut around with gardening tools and try and convince themselves they're forward-thinking hair artists? No, doll. They won't. And you know why? Because it takes real talent and focus to become a reality show drama queen superstar and NONE of those people have it. You were the quintessential "piece of work" and now Shear Genius is a little less genius without you.


Exhibit A in the case of whether or not they drug the wig stands. She's so strung out, we're shocked she can still stand.


Honestly, it was a little obvious that she was the one going. You don't strut around and get into arguments about your genius and then expect to stay, honeys. No, she was clearly digging a hole for herself. And her final creation wasn't just ass, it was MEGA-ass. Those little spiral curl tendrils are creepy.


Notice how NONE of the women came down to hug her. Those bitches are HARSH.

Our biggest regret is that she didn't have the Major Meltdown that we were convinced was right around the corner. Granted, she probably burst into tears when she left the studio and hasn't stopped crying in the months since, but it's no fun for us if it's not filmed, now is it?


Bravo, please give her her own show. We think we speak for the rest of America when we say that what this country needs right now is a weepy little Italian woman with garden shears in her hands, too much makeup on, wardrobe by Dress Barn, crying in our living rooms at least one night a week over things that the rest of the population would never considered tear-worthy. Teach us how to feel, Evangelin.

In other news,

Congratulations Danna!

What is it with the vowels on these people? Was the O too expensive or something? We're liking Danna more and more. Partly because she's low-drama but with a sense of humor about it all, but mostly because we're fairly certain she's smoking a blunt every morning before she heads to the studio.


She kicked ass last night. The day-to-night look was simple, but really, simple was the only thing you could have done in a challenge like that.


Her red-carpet challenge? Well....


...don't get us wrong. It's VERY Vanessa Williams, probably moreso than any of the other styles last night - and the back of it really is unique and gorgeous, but man, the front. That is some tranny-looking hair there, sister.