Virgins v. Vixens: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN!

They're back and they're well-rested, kittens!

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Virgins v. Vixens

They're back!

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Virgins v. Vixens

It's a Christmas Miracle! V v. V is BACK!

Unfortunately, kittens, with the return of our beloved hardscrabble divas, comes the news that one of them left the ring on a stretcher. Yes, it's true:

DORIS DAY IS DEAD.

And pets will never again be neutered because of it. Happy now?

To be honest, we can't say the outcome was a surprise. When we first posted it, we were trying to guess the outcome and came to the conclusion that Miss Day's style of demur is simply too far out of fashion to go up against Sophia's timeless sensuality. To our pleasant surprise, she rallied, though, getting far more votes and making the bout far tighter than we would have guessed.

At any rate, Sophia has more than earned her rest by going up against one powerhouse after another. She's taking a break for some pasta and grappa to get her strength back for her return to the ring. In the interim, we have two MAJOR powerhouses for this "week's" bout. Clutch your pearls and hold on to your handbags ladies, because NO ONE can predict how things will turn out as...

HRH PRINCESS GRACE OF MONACO (aka Miss Grace Kelly)

takes on

DAME ELIZABETH TAYLOR

And the crowd goes wild!

We're a little partial to the Princess because she's a hometown Philly girl and the poster child for marrying well. On the other hand, has there ever been a dame as dame-y as Elizabeth Taylor? That bitch knew how to LIVE. On the one hand, she's an honest-to-god princess; on the other hand, she's the greatest fag hag who ever has and ever will live. On the one hand, Rear Window; on the other hand, White Diamonds ("These have always brought me luck."). Choices, choices, bitches! Get to work!

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Virgins v. Vixens

They're back!

Darlings, please don't hate us. What with all the Project Runway blogging and the Mad Men blogging and the Glee blogging and the spring collections, we just couldn't find the time to sit down and spend the required couple of hours counting votes and looking for pictures for the next round. Forgive us?

For those of you just joining us, this is a competition pitting mega-famous actresses from the fifties and the sixties who embodied the two major archetypes of sex symbols for the period: the Virgin and the Vixen. Each "week" (yeah, right) we pit a famous virgin and/or a famous vixen up against another and the readers vote on which one wins. You can use whatever criteria you like to make your decision. We tend to frame it as if they're in an imaginary cage match, but most of the time the readers simply vote for their favorite. It was a tough competition and a lot of legendary ladies hit the mat and never got up again. We're in the finals now, but here's how the competition went down:

Janet Leigh vs. Kim Novak

Kim Novak vs. Leslie Caron

Leslie Caron vs. Gina Lollobrigida

Gina Lollobrigida vs. Jean Simmons

Gina Lollobrigida vs. Shirley MacLaine

Shirley MacLaine vs. Joan Collins

Shirley Maclaine vs. Brigitte Bardot

Jane Fonda vs. Julie Christie

Jane Fonda vs. Natalie Wood

Natalie Wood vs. Angie Dickinson

Natalie Wood vs. Debbie Reynolds

Debbie Reynolds vs. Julie Andrews

It was at this point, that we started with the big guns. Not that any of the previous ladies weren't big guns in their own right, but it was time to break out the virgins and/or vixens that have passed into legend and only need to be referred to by their first names.

Julie Andrews vs. Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn vs. Sophia Loren

Do you see how fickle you bitches are? Audrey Hepburn! Not making it to the finals! You guys are nuts. Granted, going up against Sophia was a pretty tall order, but that's why they're called the big guns.

Sophia Loren vs. Jayne Mansfield

Before we broke out the REALLY big guns, it was time to bring back the one competitor who managed to beat three bitches in a row. Hence:

Sophia Loren vs. Shirley MacLaine.

Yow. Now that's a toughie. Two legendary ladies with very different styles (and a penchant for playing hookers). Which one was still standing after the votes were counted? Well, we'll tell ya, it was a very close race, but in the end, only one hooker can make it out of the ring alive.

We are sad to inform you that...

SHIRLEY MACLAINE IS DEAD.

And it's all your fault! But don't worry. She has a tendency to not stay dead long.

Anyway, here it is; the finals of the Virgins vs. Vixens showdowns. Sophia hoists up her tits and re-enters the ring to take on the woman who embodied virginity more than any other actress of the period (and if you believe the stories, pulled the wool over the eyes of the public while doing it). These two ladies couldn't be more different and yet in their day, they were two of the biggest box office draws around.

MISS SOPHIA LOREN

takes on...

MISS DORIS DAY, BITCHES!

The quintessential vixen up against the quintessential virgin. Cast your votes now. One of these ladies is going DOWN! And not in the good way!

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Virgins v. Vixens

It's the showdown that will determine which of the semi-finalists take on the BIG THREE of vrgin/vixenhood, bitches!


Of course, there are only two semi-finalists because you ladies are so damn fickle, but still.

Let's start with some business that needs to be attended to. To absolutely no one's surprise...

JAYNE MANSFIELD IS DEAD.

We didn't even bother counting the votes because one glance at the comments section gave us all the info we needed. Poor Jayne. She might have had a better chance if we'd remembered to include her among the lower-tier competitors. But alas, we simply forgot. We'd lose our heads if they weren't attached.

(sorry)

So, Sophia won two in a row and that's good enough for us to pit her against the only gal from the mid-level of the competition to make it to the semi-finals. It's a truly unusual pairing this week as ...

MISS SOPHIA LOREN


hauls out her boobs to go tit a tit against...

MISS SHIRLEY MACLAINE

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Virgins v. Vixens

Oh my goodness, kittens! We've totally neglected our goddesses!

Perhaps it was because subconsciously, we simply didn't want to face the results. We didn't want either of the combatants to leave the ring. But someone had to go and after counting a TON of votes, by a margin of less than 20, the loser was finally revealed. It is with great sadness that we inform you that...

YOU KILLED AUDREY HEPBURN, YOU BITCHES.

Not that we can argue with the outcome. If we'd voted, we would have picked Sophia too because sultry vixens will always win out over the virginal in our eyes, even if that virgin is a fashion icon.

Well, it's time for two Vixens to go up against each other, wouldn't you say?

We are embarrassed to admit that the newest entry into the ring is someone who probably should have entered the competition a while ago except we simply forgot about her. Many would argue that she doesn't deserve to stand among the giants of the finalists, but we don't know if that's true. She may not have had the most stellar career in the world, but you can't deny she made a big impact. Who are we talking about? Scroll down, you impatient thing!

MISS SOPHIA LOREN


vs.

MISS JAYNE MANSFIELD

And of course, no matchup would be complete without the following iconic image:

Don't you love it when vixens get all judgmental with each other?

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Virgins v. Vixens

We're back, and we've got a toughie for you!

But first, we would just like to say that we hate you all for making us type the following words...

JULIE ANDREWS IS DEAD.

How COULD you, ladies? HOW COULD YOU?

Okay, fine. Audrey Hepburn is kind of a tough act to go up against, we'll grant you. And enough of you voted for Julie that we almost entertained thoughts that she might survive, but alas, no. Julie shuffled off to that great big nunnery in the sky and Audrey spits into her palms and adjusts her tiara to take on the next competitor.

And for the first time in a long time, it's an actual Virgin vs. a Vixen, as ...

MISS AUDREY HEPBURN

goes up against the former Sofia Villani Scicolone,

MISS SOPHIA LOREN.

And don't give us that "Oh, Audrey went through the war!" sob story. Zip it. They BOTH did.

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Virgins v. Vixens

You bitches are in for it now!

If you thought the last bout was tough, you ain't seen nothin' yet! You see...

DEBBIE REYNOLDS IS DEAD.

And while it pains us to think she's out of the game, to be perfectly honest, we don't see how she could have won going up against a legend like Dame Julie. We're sad, because we love that old broad, but Julie just has too many iconic moments on her resume.

Well, now it's Julie's turn to struggle, because as many iconic images get conjured up at the mention of her name, her opponent this week has just as many, if not more to hers.

We're glad we don't have to vote in this one because we have no idea who we'd choose as

DAME JULIE ANDREWS

is in for the fight of her life against her chief rival in so many ways....

MISS AUDREY HEPBURN

Ouch. Someone's gonna get hurt in this one.

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Virgins v. Vixens

Kittens, once again your fickle nature is making things very difficult for us. Although not as difficult as things will be for you. You see, because you bitches are so fickle, we have no semi-finalists save for Shirley MacLaine, which means all the top-tier virgins and vixens have to go up against each other without any practice on the lower-level ones. From here on out, it's going to be one impossible decision after another for you, we're afraid.

Which is a roundabout way of saying...


NATALIE WOOD IS DEAD.

And frankly, we couldn't be happier about it. We will never get over her victory over Angie Dickinson. But oh, ladies, how are you ever going to deal with this next one? Fresh from her overwhelming victory,

MISS DEBBIE REYNOLDS,


a goddamn legend and don't you forget it, has to take on another legend, the former Julia Wells...


DAME JULIE ANDREWS

We're glad we don't have to decide this one!

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Virgins v. Vixens

Oh, you bitches. You dirty, dirty bitches. We kept our mouths shut over the Jane Fonda thing, but we cannot remain silent anymore.

ANGIE DICKINSON IS DEAD.

How COULD you? Sure, we all love Natalie Wood, but against a hardcore broad like Angie? Seriously?

Well, fine. See how you like it this time when we send her up against a goddamn LEGEND. She's got her work cut out for her this week!

MISS NATALIE WOOD


VS.


The former Mary Frances Reynolds,

MISS DEBBIE REYNOLDS.

There. Happy now?

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