Taking a Stand on the Tough Issues

We're opposed to gay weddings. There. We said it.

No, not gay marriage, Darlings. Believe us, we're a hundred percent behind that. No, it's the weddings with which we have a problem.

Now, before we go any further, we are always thrilled to see two of our brothers or two of our sisters spending some time celebrating their commitment to each other. No matter how they go about it, it's still a wonderful thing and in the end, no one can tell you the right way or the wrong way to do it.

But we'll give it a shot.

We're biased of course, but we tend to find gay weddings to be far more emotional affairs than straight weddings. The former is in many respects a statement on the power of love in the face of enormous opposition and the latter seems too often to be a statement on the bride's parents' income level. When we sit there and watch our lesbian friends exchange their vows, so overcome with emotion are we that we have to resist the urge to stand up and proclaim "Sisters, our very presence here today is a testament not only to the power of your love but to the strength of your character and we are so pleased and so blessed to witness it with you but OHMIGOD WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BOTH DRESSED LIKE CINDERELLA?"

We reiterate: do what's best for you but if we may darlings, can we suggest that you put a little thought into it rather than aping what your parents did? We, all of us, are fabulous, unique, powerful creatures and it would be so fantastic if we could find ways to express that in our ceremonies. Whenever we see two little brides or two little grooms on top of a white cake we just want to cringe a little. Sure, it's cute but when you couple it with all the other traditional trappings, sometimes it just comes off a little too much like we're trying to be something we're not.

Every aspect of a traditional wedding, from the white dress to the walking down the aisle, to the exchanging of rings, to the throwing of the bouquet to the cutting of the cake, has its roots in old, sometimes ancient, heterosexual courting rituals. In reality, they shouldn't really have any resonance with gay people.

We say, if you want to fly your freak flag, you should go right ahead and do it. Get married in speedos or leather gear or flannel and Birkenstocks. Do it on horseback or on a stage. Get all your friends to come in drag. Set it to music and tap your hearts out like you're in an MGM musical or stage it like an opera. Run your guests through a jazzercise class or make them walk a runway like they're supermodels.

And if you're not a freak, then do something fabulous and sophisticated, sparkling and urban. A glittering cocktail party like something Fred and Ginger might have attended. Just don't get too hung up on who gets to be Ginger. Or hell, have a hayride and a hoedown if that's more your style.

The point is darlings, we're forging new ground on a social development unheard of in human history and it would be wonderful if each of us really examined ways to express our strength and rarity and make our own traditions. Not so much to make a statement, because no one is really obligated to do that, but more to do it in a way that truly reflects who we are and doesn't ape traditions based on who we are not.

Plus, come on, how awesome would it be to see an entire wedding party dressed up like Cher?