Poompa

In case you were wondering what floats in an Oompa Loompa's toilet bowl...

Now you know.

We admit, we (like most sane people) have a bias against the bubble skirt. Rare is the occasion when the wearer doesn't look like an escapee from the set of H.R. Pufnstuf, as you can well see. The proportions on this thing are laughable. They'd have to manufacture a special Barbie box just to fit the skirt in. And the bubble pattern on the fabric isn't helping. In fact, it's making it even more clown-like. And that vest and tube top? Is he kidding us?

Unfortunately, no he isn't kidding us. In fact he took the whole thing ridiculously seriously, from his protestations over wigs to his smartass attitude toward the judges. Get over yourself, princess. You're making a Barbie dress on a reality show. This is not the time to be getting on your soapbox about standards of beauty.

And after last week's wholly unprofessional spectacle on the runway, this was no time to be mouthing off to the judges and spewing a lot of attitude. This looked absolutely nothing like a Barbie and in fact, he gave the impression that he didn't really care about that to begin with. Andrae, it's definitely time to revisit your runway strategy.

"You were much less tiresome when you were sobbing uncontrollably."


[Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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Barbie! Now with "Aging Call Girl" and "Foundation Garment" clothing sets!

We were both ready to go into this with an "Oh, Marla's dress wasn't that bad" approach. Then we got the screencaps.

Holy shit. It's worse. It's poorly executed AND an ugly design AND the fabric choices are all wrong AND she's badly accessorized. You just can't get any worse than that.

Oh Jesus. Deliver us from the whickety-whack. She looks like she has two giant centipedes crawling out of her cheap wig.

Same thing with Zulema. We thought this was a blandly forgettable outfit until we hit the pause button. There is a lot of crap going on there. The only reason we hadn't noticed it before was because of the washed-out color. What's with that weird strip of sheer fabric across the bust?

What IS that? Control-top for her knees?

The fabric looks cheap and the whole thing is really poorly sewn. She's just lucky she pulled this one out early enough in the game that there was bound to be something worse on the runway. This is a real stinker.



[Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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Who are you wearing?

Darlings, we have heard your cries. After the 15th email asking "When are you guys getting to the Oscar fashion stuff?" we knew there was no getting around it. To be honest, we had no idea people would consider the topic such an inevitability. Never "ARE you guys going to talk about the Oscar dresses?" always "WHEN are you going to talk about the Oscar dresses?"

Well kittens, now we're going to talk about the Oscar dresses. Sort of. You see, Lorenzo and Tom looked up from their respective computers last night after the latest such email and said "I guess we have to talk about this." Now don't get us wrong, we have PUH-LENTY to say whenever a starlet walks down a red carpet in borrowed goods. The thing is, there are so many other people out there who do a far better job than we ever could ripping these ho's from their heads to their toes.

So we were talking it out, discussing the various dresses and trying to come up with an angle when we realized that there really wasn't much to choose from in the "What the HELL was she thinking?" category. The red carpet is now an Olympic-level sporting event and women especially are going to be judged and scrutinized to within an inch of their lives. Consequently, the red carpet has also become a major media and marketing event. With all that attention, and in the age where image reigns above all, a cottage industry has arisen which has as its sole purpose the dressing of movie actresses in order to sell themselves as well as the items they're wearing.

Under the weight of all that self-imposed importance, one just doesn't see the crazy-ass fashion disasters that one used to see back in the day - not on the A- and B-list starlets. Oh sure, some composer's wife or costumer (and inevitably, Sally Kirkland) will show up in some execrable thing to provide grist for the entertainment press, but for the most part, all the ladies are floating around in goddess dresses and a couple million dollars worth of ice a piece. How boring. And whose fault is this? Joan Rivers.

It was Joan that invented red carpet commentary as we know it and all the queens and bitches who do it now have her ass to kiss because of it. Her tongue is so sharp and she's so unafraid to go there that she managed to whip two entire generations of actresses into a level of fear that changed the red carpet dramatically and probably forever. Gone are the days when you'd see Barbra Streisand's ass crack or Demi Moore's bicycle shorts. Now it's all drapey, flowy, full-of-yourself high-end prom dresses coupled with vulgar amounts of diamonds. We doubt Joan meant for this to happen, since she has less and less material to work with each year. Now, even the most minor mistakes - like the size of a bow or the shade of blue - are treated as if fashion armageddon has occurred. Frankly, if we're not seeing ass crack or nipples, we can't be bothered.

Oh, alright. Quick rundown: Cate Blanchett: Gorgeous. Flawless, actually. Nicole Kidman: looked like she should be hanging from a Christmas wreath. Jennifer Hudson: thank god some queen took you aside and hissed at you to get rid of the Judy Jetson shrug. Kelly Preston: now THAT's what we're talking about! Cavewoman hooker! Brilliant! Cameron Diaz: used Kleenex (in more ways than one). Helen Mirren: Beautiful, feminine, flattering and age-appropriate. Kirsten Dunst: Sandy Duncan on top, Mae West on the bottom. Very confusing. Jessica Biel: pretty color, smoking bod, but too simple for the red carpet. It looked homemade, honey. Beyonce: While this was admirably toned down, like everything else she wears, it looked slutty, glued together and unflattering. Penelope Cruz: Dramatic, but she looked like a flesh-colored feather duster. Gwynugh Paltrow: Okay, fine. You looked pretty good, bitch. The hair was a bit much and we don't love the color, but you did alright. You can live.

For now. Darlings, we have heard your cries. After the 15th email asking "When are you guys getting to the Oscar fashion stuff?" we knew there was no getting around it. To be honest, we had no idea people would consider the topic such an inevitability. Never "ARE you guys going to talk about the Oscar dresses?" always "WHEN are you going to talk about the Oscar dresses?"

Well kittens, now we're going to talk about the Oscar dresses. Sort of. You see, Lorenzo and Tom looked up from their respective computers last night after the latest such email and said "I guess we have to talk about this." Now don't get us wrong, we have PUH-LENTY to say whenever a starlet walks down a red carpet in borrowed goods. The thing is, there are so many other people out there who do a far better job than we ever could ripping these ho's from their heads to their toes.

So we were talking it out, discussing the various dresses and trying to come up with an angle when we realized that there really wasn't much to choose from in the "What the HELL was she thinking?" category. The red carpet is now an Olympic-level sporting event and women especially are going to be judged and scrutinized to within an inch of their lives. Consequently, the red carpet has also become a major media and marketing event. With all that attention, and in the age where image reigns above all, a cottage industry has arisen which has as its sole purpose the dressing of movie actresses in order to sell themselves as well as the items they're wearing.

Under the weight of all that self-imposed importance, one just doesn't see the crazy-ass fashion disasters that one used to see back in the day - not on the A- and B-list starlets. Oh sure, some composer's wife or costumer (and inevitably, Sally Kirkland) will show up in some execrable thing to provide grist for the entertainment press, but for the most part, all the ladies are floating around in goddess dresses and a couple million dollars worth of ice a piece. How boring. And whose fault is this? Joan Rivers.

It was Joan that invented red carpet commentary as we know it and all the queens and bitches who do it now have her ass to kiss because of it. Her tongue is so sharp and she's so unafraid to go there that she managed to whip two entire generations of actresses into a level of fear that changed the red carpet dramatically and probably forever. Gone are the days when you'd see Barbra Streisand's ass crack or Demi Moore's bicycle shorts. Now it's all drapey, flowy, full-of-yourself high-end prom dresses coupled with vulgar amounts of diamonds. We doubt Joan meant for this to happen, since she has less and less material to work with each year. Now, even the most minor mistakes - like the size of a bow or the shade of blue - are treated as if fashion armageddon has occurred. Frankly, if we're not seeing ass crack or nipples, we can't be bothered.

Oh, alright. Quick rundown: Cate Blanchett: Gorgeous. Flawless, actually. Nicole Kidman: looked like she should be hanging from a Christmas wreath. Jennifer Hudson: thank god some queen took you aside and hissed at you to get rid of the Judy Jetson shrug. Kelly Preston: now THAT's what we're talking about! Cavewoman hooker! Brilliant! Cameron Diaz: used Kleenex (in more ways than one). Helen Mirren: Beautiful, feminine, flattering and age-appropriate. Kirsten Dunst: Sandy Duncan on top, Mae West on the bottom. Very confusing. Jessica Biel: pretty color, smoking bod, but too simple for the red carpet. It looked homemade, honey. Beyonce: While this was admirably toned down, like everything else she wears, it looked slutty, glued together and unflattering. Penelope Cruz: Dramatic, but she looked like a flesh-colored feather duster. Gwynugh Paltrow: Okay, fine. You looked pretty good, bitch. The hair was a bit much and we don't love the color, but you did alright. You can live.

For now.

Who are you wearing?

fine. You looked pretty good, bitch. The hair was a bit much and we don't love the color, but you did alright. You can live.

For now.

Meet Barbie's Cousins: Cliche and Ruche!

We just cannot come to an agreement on this one, kittens. Lorenzo thinks it's girly and fabulous and beautifully made and perfectly Barbie.

But Tom thinks it looks like a cliche and he thinks it's notable that it, more than any of the other designs, looks a little silly on the model. Too much of a fantasy dress. This seems more appropriate for a fashion doll aimed at the 6 and 7-year old market rather than the tweeners.

It looks marginally better on the doll but we love how such a big deal was made out of the requirement that they make a dress in doll-size and then the results looked so outrageously shitty and glued-together that the judges never even mentioned them.

Lupe!

That's our reaction to every garment she makes. Both a proper name and a description of her style. She should consider making the exclamation point a permanent part of her name, like she's a Broadway musical or something.

To be fair, we don't hate this dress. We actually like some parts of it. It's thankfully way toned down, the silhouette looks chic and flattering and the color is sophisticated. Those are the good parts.

The bad parts: once again, every element is so haphazard, seemingly without purpose or statement. It's still the "throw it against the wall and see what sticks" school of fashion design. The ruching looks like she just kept throwing the garment at a running sewing machine again and again to see what would happen. And if there's anything worse than wearing leg warmers on your arms, it's wearing a leg warmer on one of your arms.

Worst of all, does anyone look at this and think of Barbie? At all?



[Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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Two more: Daniel V. and Diana

Not so much.

On the one hand, we're trying to remember that we are not actually pre-teen girls and therefore, not particularly qualified to predict what that mysterious little subset of humanity is going to consider The Hottest Thing Going.

On the other hand, we don't care if we ARE a couple of middle-aged queens, this is FUG.

Sure, there's a lot of stuff going on and a lot of interesting accessories that'll look great on a Barbie, but the whole effect is so ugly, so "folk dancer" that we imagine most girls would be bored by it, if they noticed it at all.

LOVE. THIS. OUTFIT.

That skirt is adorable and chic.

And that hoodie is a masterpiece. Yeah, it's not particularly Barbie, but it is fun and youthful and different, not to mention eye-catching. That red fabric is gorgeous and it was a stroke of genius on Diana's part to cut out the circles for a lace-like effect. We just wish the hood was a little more realized.

And it still looks cute on the doll! We wouldn't have predicted that, but there you go.



[Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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