fantasy old factory: The Tense and the Oblivious

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Tense and the Oblivious

Daniel, for god's sake, it's gonna be okay. He looks like he's in the middle of hostage negotiations or something. Go have some tea and find your center, honey.

Portfolio:

Tiny dogs make great costume jewelry.

It has some interesting looks to it. Although everything does look a little overworked, if that makes sense.

Model: Elena

Now.

Upon a second look, we can't say we're as enthusiastic about this dress as the judges were.

It's like Wonder Woman settled down and got a job at Denver-Carrington.

Sure, we can (and do) give him credit for picking possibly the most difficult medium out of all of them and we can't deny that it was a labor-intensive garment that was executed pretty much perfectly.

It's just that it's so big and loud and rigid and ...out there. Like Thierry Mugler discovered recycling. It completely obliterates whatever figure that girl has.

Although to be fair, that detail on the bust is actually quite nice.

So, big marks for picking a strange medium and making it work for you, not-so-big marks for a dress that looks like a bottle of dish detergent.

And why does Daniel dress like he works at an ice cream parlour?

Alright, ladies.

Let's get to it.

We've been blogging this show long enough to know when there's blood in the water. We can feel all you little bitches out there ready to trash Blayne de Soleil here. Far be it from us to stop you.

"I'd like to introduce you to "Girlicious."

(By the way, why are there so many refugees from Whoville this season? Some sort of ethnic cleansing or something?)

"I'd like to introduce you to the crow's feet you have at 23. Seriously, kid. Enough with the visits to the electric beach."

Yes, he's this season's "character" and he's working his little ass off to have his own catchphrase. Honey, "girlicious" ain't gonna happen. And while we're at it, nothing with an "icious" suffix is going to happen. Let's just establish that right now and we'll all be much happier.

Oh, right. And "holla." Stop that.

And also, stop sniffing. It's leading us to make unpleasant suppositions.

We don't know. It's not awful, but it's not grabbing us in any way.

As for this:

Model: Polina

Seriously, what are we supposed to say?

There's a giant cotton centipede crawling out of her lady area, for god's sake. That's alarming, to say the least.

Even more alarming was his wide-eyed, rock-solid belief that he had it in the bag. Honestly, if he'd been all "I don't care if the judges hate it, blahblahblah," we could at least respect that.

366666+

Sorry. Cat on the keyboard.

Oh, and another thing.

THIS is completely wrong. You don't start crawling around a girl's exposed crotch with a needle minutes after you meet her. At least we don't. That's just the way we were raised.

Ladies, we'd pack a lunch if we were you. He's "the character" and he achieved the supreme feat of not boring Nina and Michael. Pace yourselves. We have a feeling he'll be here for a little while.

"This is girlicious."

"Oh, honey."

"I am going to eat you alive. In fact, I am going to enjoy eating you alive. I'd even go so far as to say that I might take the opportunity eating you alive presents and, well, simply take out all my frustrations from the shitty year I've had on you. "