Shear Genius S3E1

Bitches, we've got a lot crazy-ass hair to rip!

Okay, we've beaten the odds and made it back from a South Philly supermarket mere hours before the SNOWPOCALYPSE hits us. We've managed to stock our cupboard without getting our asses kicked by crazed South Philly bitches on a panicked snow run and that is a feat worth celebrating.

Let's kick off our boots, make ourselves a hot chocolate, and make fun of attention whores on TV, shall we?

We suppose we're not going to get away with ignoring the big Brazilian elephant in the room, are we? Camila was AWFUL. Easily the worst model-turned-reality hostess of all time. Producers, stop giving her ten-minute blocks of text to read! How could you not notice her deficiencies in that area after the first, oh, thirty seconds or so? Make her stand there, smile, and point to her hair a lot. Have someone else explain the challenges.

Look at them. They're practically sounding out the words FOR her. They've probably been standing there for hours listening to her trip over the same ten words over and over again.

And he was exactly as douchnozzle-tastic as we'd remembered. Strangely, he seems to have had as much trouble reading lines as Camila did.

At least we still had good old Kim Vo, who --

GAAAH!!

JESUS.

That is one non-biodegradable face.

We'll get to the shortcut challenge (which was a lot more fun) in another post, for now, let's rip bikini hair. This was a pretty decent challenge, except we think a lot of the stylists went off in not-so-hot directions.

He really commands the screen, doesn't he? A real once-in-a-generation type of star.

April says, "Let's rock. I rebelled against it all. It's just me and my shears."

Uh, okay. There's anarchy, and then way over on the other side of the scale, there's hairdressing. Let's not self-inflate here.

Oh, who are we kidding? They're attention whores!

It was all right. A bit too vertical, but it did the job.

Adee says, "I gave David one of his most famous hair styles."

And believe it or not, that didn't even come close to the most eyeroll-inducing of his comments.
And for all that chest-puffing, he really didn't do much to impress, did he? He made her look like a circus freak.


Jon says, "I'm a large pill to be swallowed."

T Lo says, "Try us."
Cute. Editorial. The blue really takes it away from being too boring.

Let's face it, there's only so much you can do to cover the nips without lapsing into weirdness.


Faatemah: "I'm not afraid of any of these people in the competition."

Girl, you did a TRUCKLOAD of smack-talking when you should have been putting the work in, because you? Did not impress.

SHE'S GOT A GIANT BRAIDED NIPPLE. COME ON NOW.

Strangely, the rest of the hair really works. That braid is interesting.


Burning Man Brian sez: "I look beyond the pages of Vogue magazine. I look towards indigenous cultures."

Oh, save us.
What indigenous culture is this again? The Hanna-Barbera Tribe? Cause that is some cartoon-ass hair there, Radical Faerie.


Olivia Newton John says, "Even though I'm the youngest in the competition, I'm going to kick their asses out of here."

She kind of won us over in the shortcut challenge, not least because she seems to have her head on straight, which is a rarity with this group of egos.

But man, is that a bad idea.

We just don't get these entries where the stylists effectively tried to make bikini tops out of hair pieces. First off, it's a little gross-looking. Second, you're not styling hair at that point, you're making a garment out of hair.

Janine: "I'm here to get the job done. I'm here to win."

Boilerplate reality contestant statement. At least she jazzed it up with tap pants and an '80s secretarial blouse.

This was a pretty much perfect runway look. You could see an entire show of girls with hair styled like this. She did a really good job.


Arzo: "I think hairdressing is definitely in my blood."

They're like Jedi that way.
Boring. The top is basic. Couldn't she do something a little interesting with the ends?

Matthew says, "You can basically Google me and figure out that way."

Okay, seriously. If someone said this in our presence, we'd spend a few minutes gagging loudly just to make sure everyone in the room was paying attention, and then we'd throw up on his shoes.

Although we'll give him credit here. That was at least a unique shape and he managed it without doing anything weird.


Giacomo says, "Oh God, I've had a really great life. I worked all over the world with every celebrity in the world, with every supermodel in the world, with every wealthy queen, king...I'm telling you, God gave me a gift and I just do it."

T Lo says, "Oh God, we're going to make fun of you so much."

And which member of royalty taught you that little 'do? We're guessing it's a queen who has "of country music," or "of the Cornshucking Festival" after her title.

Not to be mean (too late) but they're kidding us when they tried to pass these girls off as bikini models, right?


Joey: "I've always wanted my work to sort of be loud and stand out."

Who saw the big X floating over Crocodile Joey's head throughout the whole episode? He had "first one gone" in bright neon letters flashing every time he appeared.And speaking of bright neon letters, here they are spelling out "BREAST DEFORMITY" in a searing orange.

Tweety Bird says: "We just got a Mall three years ago. We have horses."

And we're guessing not a lot in the way of community mental health services.


Biggest attention whore we've ever set eyes on. And come on, you KNOW we've set eyes on a lot. But we've been racking or brains, and we just can't name one who resorted to roller-skating in a gold bikini in order to get camera time. Santino? Thank you.
It's creative, for sure. We can tell she's working a schtick wherein her affected craziness is a way of contrasting her skill, which is considerable. But this is another instance of someone not so much styling hair as making clothes out of hair. It's a creative and well-made solution, but we just don't love it aesthetically.

So, the top three are a female version of The Village People, for some reason.

And Secretary Village Person wins it.

And the bottom three are the loudmouth, Olivia Newton John, and Croc-Hunter.

And the surfer dude goes home, surprising absolutely none of the hundreds of thousands of people watching.

More hair-ripping to come, bitches.

[Photos: BravoTV.com - Screencaps: Projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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