[THIS POST WILL BE FIXED ASAP]
Our story starts with Mei Li and her Honorable Father, fresh off the boat from Hong Kong, wandering the streets of San Francisco's Chinatown. Having watched one too many American movies, they mistakenly believe that everyone in America breaks into song at the drop of a hat and thus do so.
Let's get this out of the way: this is a charming little movie with one or two good numbers in it, but it is far from R&H's best work. "A Hundred Million Miracles," while it's a very sweet song, is not exactly going to get the crowd on its feet. Kind of a strange song to open a movie.
After all the American-born Chinese point and laugh at them for their strange ways, a cop comes along and threatens to arrest them for being stereotypes. Instead, he takes them to the address on the slip of paper they hand to him.
The address is Sammy Fong's Celestial Garden, where headlining act Linda Low is slutting it up Asian style for the mostly white audience.
Nancy Kwan wasn't the best dancer in the world and her singing was dubbed, but that girl had it. Loaded with charisma and the embodiment of sex on a stick, she probably would have had a much better career had she been born twenty or thirty years later and not treated like some sort of racial oddity.
Mei Li and her father are introduced to Sammy and it turns out that Mei Li is his intended bride. Sammy's not too thrilled about that since he's got a thing with Linda, but he shuffles them off into a back room while he tries to figure out what to do.
Unfortunately, Linda gets wind of the events and flips out. Sammy promises that he'll get it all fixed by introducing Mei Li to another family who's in the market for a daughter-in-law. In the meantime, how would you like a new convertible, baby?
It's clear that we can all learn valuable life lessons from Linda.
The next day he visits Madame Liang. He silently agrees not to point out that she's Black and she silently agrees not to point out that he's Japanese. They also agree that Mei would make a perfect wife for her nephew, Wang Ta. She agrees to set it up by talking to her brother in law. There was a lot of agreeing in this scene.
The next day, she heads over to the Wang household where we are introduced to Master Wang, his son Ta, and his other son whose name doesn't matter and who is clearly a homosexual despite trying to butch it up in sports drag. Ta is rebellious and doesn't like his father making his decisions for him but the little shithead manages to hit him up for money without noting the irony.
Later, Sammy shows up with Mei and her father. Master Wang pokes and prods her as if she were a work animal for his farm. She silently puts up with it but we know that secretly she's getting all kung fu on their asses in her head.
Master Wang approves of the match. Hooray! Everyone lives happily ever after!
Except you knew that little ho was going to fuck things up somehow.
As we've said before, every musical has one number that sells the whole film. This would be it. We just want to wrap ourselves in a little sarong and stand in front of a full-length mirror trying on hats, incredibly pleased with ourselves. Linda Low, you knew how to live, girl.
On her impromptu date, as soon as she finds out he's rich, she practically rips his fraternity pin off him and declares that they're going steady. Not a bad afternoon's work. Ladies, are you taking notes?
That evening, Ta meets Mei and sparks fly, we guess. He's oblivious and she's such the delicate little lotus blossom that it's sometimes hard to figure out what her character is thinking. Thankfully, she sings it all out for us.
We also meet Helen, who has an endless array of bullet bras. She's constantly shoving her girls in Ta's face (there's a really obvious joke there and you should thank us for not making it) but once again, he's oblivious.
Why are all these beautiful women throwing themselves at this nerd? Besides the fact that he's rich? Oh, what the hell are we saying?
On their second date, Linda goes from sweet-talking her way into an invite to his graduation party to sweet-talking her way into getting him to agree to marry her. Damn, that girl's good.
Linda shows up at the party and she and Mei silently judge each other as the rest of the party-goers look on. Linda loudly announces their engagement and Master Wang stomps off furiously, which he does in pretty much every scene in this movie. It must've taken him about 5 minutes to memorize his part.
Helen stops Mei from running out upset by forcing her to stare at her torpedo tits. Mei is impressed, but confused as to how this was supposed to comfort her.
Later that night, Master Wang implores Mei to stay a little longer while his son gets his head screwed on straight.
Next thing you know...
It's the New Year!
And yet, for some reason...
the parade consists of nothing but Asian drag queens.
Just go with it, we say. San Francisco always was ahead of the curve.
Sammy catches up with the Wang clan and invites them to his club that night to celebrate the New Year.
At the club, Linda hands in her resignation to become a respectable wife but Sammy gets her to agree to go on one more time. That Sammy. He's a sly one.
Helen asks Linda if Ta knows that she's such a cheap slut and Linda tells her to fuck off.
We all see where this is going, don't we, kittens?
Linda sluts it up...
...and her future in-laws are not amused. Although Mei's father sure seems to be enjoying it. The family storms out, furious.
Later, Helen finds Ta stumbling through the streets of Chinatown, drunk off his ass and feeling sorry for himself.
Girl knows a chance when she sees one and before you can say "chopsticks," she's struggling to get his clothes off while he's passed out in her bed. Apparently Helen's been paying attention to Linda and learned a few things.
But this being a musical, she sings rather than sleeps with him. This is one weird sequence. The song's pretty and beautifully sung but we trust we've made it clear by now that we're not big fans of these momentum-killing ballet numbers that seem to drag on forever. And did he push her down a slip and slide at the end?
The next morning, Mei shows up. We'd always heard that San Francisco's Chinatown was huge, but apparently only about ten or eleven people live there. Mei spots Ta's jacket and shoes and runs off upset. Helen tries to get the hungover Ta to stay and have breakfast with her but he rushes off, discarding her like a used takeout carton. Helen is not seen in the movie again. We suspect she's working one of the corners with the tranny hookers now.
Ta apologizes to his father and Master Wang happily announces that Mei is to be his bride.
Mei however, has other plans. Like sitting in the garden and softly crying. She does not agree to the marriage, no matter how much he sings at her.
Meanwhile (Jesus H., this movie has a shit ton of plot), Linda is furious with Sammy for screwing up her marriage plans so she agrees to marry him. Hunh?
Unfortunately, Sammy's parents hear that Sammy's arranged bride has arrived in San Francisco and next thing you know, Sammy's engaged to Mei.
Sammy tries to prove what a lousy husband he'd make but at this point, Mei's all "You know what, fucker? I'm sick and tired of being bounced around like a fucking ping-pong ball! SOMEONE'S marrying me and it looks like you're up, sport." Except she says it sweeter than that.
The night before the wedding, Ta goes to see Mei to give her a wedding present.
Which he cleverly hid in the back of his throat.
At the wedding, Mei grows a spine and tells Sammy's mother that she can't marry him because it would bring dishonor to his family because she's an illegal immigrant. Madame Fong pulls a Lou Dobbs and recoils in disgust at the filthy lowly in front of her.
But you know...musical. Happy endings and double weddings are par for the course.
Linda and Sammy get hitched and Mei and Ta get hitched and everyone politely ignores that each bride was engaged to to the opposite groom a week earlier. It's like Jerry Springer except with more embroidered silk.
Next week: Who knows? It was such a struggle getting our hands on this one that you'll just have to be surprised and like it, bitches!
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