Lost, S5E14: The Variable

Was that a fucking awesome episode or what?

When Kate, Jack, and Daniel were traipsing through the jungle, we said "FINALLY. THAT'S what we've been missing for so long!" We don't watch Lost so we can see a bunch of people living in '70s suburbia, for god's sake. We want to see bloody, dirty, frantic people sweating and running through the jungle for their lives, dammit! Although even we were taken aback at how abruptly things went from That '70s Show to Apocalypse Now. We had a bit of an issue with how stupid Kate and Jack were being by strolling up to the gun locker in broad daylight, thinking no one would notice, but the ensuing firefight was just the kind of bump up in action the show desperately needed. And speaking of action...

Why, oh why couldn't someone at least clip Radzinsky as payback for being the most irritating character of the season? We know he lives for another 15 years and winds up as a stain on the ceiling of the Swan, but couldn't just a little blood be drawn to satisfy us? Granted, it looks like everyone involved in that gunfight is in some dire need of glasses because they were all, at most, 5 yards away from each other and none of them could land a decent shot. Kate and Jack have fairly limited gun experience (and it's been a while for them), but Radzinsky and his posse had no excuse for being such lousy shots. And speaking of gunslinging...

It's strange how believable a couple Kate and Jack become when they're slinging bullets. All that sighing and staring bullshit does them no good as characters. It's when the stakes are high that you can really see how well they work together. Then again, the same thing happened to Sawyer and Juliet. We never would have accepted those two as a couple, but after they spent their time in the jungle watching each other's backs, suddenly they got all sweet with each other. And speaking of our star-crossed lovers...

Our heart breaks for poor James, who was clearly in over his head and not thinking straight at all. Did he really think that he and Juliet were going to live happily ever after on the beach where it all started? Level-headed Juliet seemed to realize that but, because she loved him (and because she clearly didn't want him anywhere near "Freckles"), she tearfully agreed to a plan that she knew was never going to work. And speaking of dumb plans thought up by smart people...

Daniel, you moron. What made you think wandering into a Hostiles camp waving a gun around was a good idea? You almost had us with your big speech about free will being the variable that can change history. We were open-mouthed when you told Chang you were from the future and did the Gay Gasp when you told him that Miles was his son. We thought "Alright! Here's a man with a plan! Let's get this shit started!" But no, you had to go and do something really, really stupid and wound up fulfilling your lifelong destiny, which apparently was to get killed by your mother. And speaking of the winner of All-Time Worst Parent on Lost...

Our minds are reeling with the knowledge that apparently, Eloise has known all Daniel's life that he was going to die at her hand and ACTIVELY PUSHED him toward that destiny. What. A. Bitch. At least she had the decency to show some feelings of remorse when she confronted her baby daddy, Charles (woohoo! Got that one right!). And speaking of Widmores and destiny...

Is this it for Penny and Desmond? Did they finally get their happy ending and their involvement in this clusterfuck is over? Certainly, they deserve it, but Lost without Desmond is like...something good without...something....that makes it...better. Oh, you know what we mean. It sounds horrible, but we kinda hope baby Charlie gets kidnapped or something. After all, it was a little weird how they made a point to say "This nurse will watch your baby." Maybe we're just being a little jumpy, but it's never a good idea to leave your child unattended on this show.

What else? It was fun seeing so many characters together at one time in the LaFleur/Burke living room. The last time we saw that many characters together was on Ajira 315 and most of them couldn't even look at each other, let alone have a conversation. Best line goes to Hurley. "Wait, you were in 1954? Like, Fonzie times?" It was also heartbreaking to see Daniel fulfill his destiny even further by telling the young Charlotte what we knew he was going to tell her. There's always a chance we're wrong and he survived that bullet from his mama, but in retrospect, the whole episode felt like it was leading up to his death. It remains to be seen (of course) what's going to happen next. Will Jack and Kate try to blow up the island to change history and prevent all this shit from ever happening to them? Will Sawyer and Juliet ever manage to get away from Asshole Radzinsky or is this it for them? And what about Jin, Hurley and Miles? And Baby Ben? And for crying out loud, we're getting tired of asking this, but WHERE THE HELL ARE ROSE AND BERNARD?!


[Photos: ABC.com]


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