Cabbage Patch Queen

This post's got a little surprise bonus at the end, so pay attention, poodles.

"Since Suede has a head of ocean, he needs a Hedda Lettuce."

"Uh...okay."

Oh, kittens. She should have known she was in trouble right then.

Honestly, he's been getting on our nerves so much lately that we were on the edge of our seats anticipating the inevitable stiletto to the jugular. We're kind of disappointed that the fireworks between these two kinda fizzled out before we could be treated to some good old fashioned drag queen violence.

But before we get to the dress, there's this:

"He loved gardening. And he comes up, and he says, ‘Suede, you need some seeds on your dress’ and he starts scattering these seeds. "

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.

You know, at first we thought "Oh shit. We can't make fun of someone for talking about their dead grandfather." But you know what? He put that out there on a reality show in the lamest, most maudlin way possible and to be perfectly honest, it didn't sound all that sincere to begin with.

Oh, we're not questioning his love for his deceased grandfather. We just think it's el lameo grande to try and use it for airtime on a reality show. For all the complaining about how much Blayne is playing to the cameras (and we don't disagree) can it really be said that Suede's any better in that regard?

As for the dress...

HOLY SHIT.

THAT is twelve different kinds of ugly. And worse than that, NOT FLATTERING. Hedda's hardly a wispy little slip of a girl but she's definitely not fat and that thing makes her look huge.

Look at her. She's got curves, but she's got a waist too.

And while we're on the subject, it didn't escape our notice that Suede's dress looked an awful lot like what Hedda walked in wearing. Except, y'know, ugly and unflattering.

First off, the fabric for that vest is nauseatingly ugly. It looks like watermelon rind. Especially since he inexplicably lined it in that fuschia/purple fabric. He does know what lettuce looks like, right?

And while green is something of a Hedda Lettuce trademark color (for obvious reasons), these shades of green were sallow, unattractive and (there's that word again) unflattering.

We also think the skirt's a tad too short.

They edited Hedda to be la Grande Bitche, but we can't really say we agree. Drag queens are 100% about their image and they know - better than most women, in fact - exactly what works and doesn't work for them. Those Miss Piggy gloves looked horrible. They were cheesy and the little "lettuce heads" (which frankly, looked more like cabbage to us) weren't witty or clever in any way.

Suede, honey? The next time your dead grandfather visits you in a dream and offers you design advice, ignore him.

And the peplum on this thing was INSANE.

And to top it off, we hated the hat.

One thing's for sure...

She may have hated it, but that bitch worked the SHIT out of it.

Oh, did you think we forgot about this delicious little altercation? Well, honeys, we are opinionated, judgmental bitches and we could certainly entertain you with another 250 words on this ridiculosity, but really, wouldn't it be more fun to get it straight from the bitch's mouth?

That's right, ladies. We called up Hedda Lettuce herself and sat her down for an extensive interview. And not just any interview, mind you. This was by far the most fun, most revealing, most bitchy interview we've ever done.

A taste:

"I didn’t really think it represented the New York drag scene as I know it. I’m grateful that they picked some of the people that they picked because it made me look, well, a little more special."

"You know what? I have a mouth, I’m a person, I’m a fully developed human being. I’m not just this character, y’know? And I was like, wait a minute, I’m not happy with this and I’m not going to just sit there and pretend that I liked the fact that I looked like Godzilla."

“Well, fashion usually makes me horny and this just makes me limp.”

"She kind of looked like a sausage."

"I don’t think when you think “German” you would think “nice,” necessarily."

"My problem with her is she’s sitting there critiquing people and saying they’re not fabulous and you look at her and she’s not fabulous."

We got her to dish about every single thing imaginable about the show and the girl did NOT disappoint. We STRONGLY urge you to go here and read the whole thing. It's an insider's point of view of the whole PR experience from an insider who doesn't mince words.


[Photos: Barbara Nitke/Bravo/ProjectRunway.com - Screencaps: Projectrungay.blogspot.com]